George Bush quotes (yet again)

It is fitting, after almost a year of Obama, that we review our roots.

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“I think we can agree. The past is over.”

“I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made.”

“It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then.” (A slip on exhillerating)

“It’s clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it.”

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”

“Will highways on the internet become more few?”

“Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.”

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don’t realize just how bright our children is.”

“I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California.”

“I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 — for dyslexics who have an emergency.”

“There ought to be limits to freedom.” Said about parody websites of him.

“I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

“I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future.”

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it.”

“We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur.”

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

“We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe.”

“Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame.”

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

“It isn’t pollution that’s ruining the environment; it’s all the impurities in the air and water that’s doing it.”

“It’s time the human race entered the solar system.”

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the japanese and their inventions

Some ideas by the Japanese

Roll-on butter, anyone?

MBA (Marriage but available) is so passe...

I'm a fan of instant noodles.

Dry heels.

And just when we thought child labour was bad enough...

Keep absolutely dry.

It's only a socially-dysfunctional device.

Sleep standing. (I need this.)

Sleep sitting! (I want this as well.)

Verdict: Worth every consideration

Why Microsoft shouldn’t make cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95′ or ‘CarNT.’ Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that’s powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car fault’ warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ‘Start’ button to shut off the engine.

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Note: this isn’t true! It’s funny though. Thanks Edna!

absolutely mindless facts

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before  it starves to death.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one  olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every  day.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until  the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an  hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

China has more English speakers than the United  States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he  doesn’t wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are  registered blood donors.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be  39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the  length of a normal human’s neck.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough  gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually  turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would  have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their  bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than  all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with  month.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do  death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because  cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as  competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or  older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose  and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer  than left-handed people do.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left  hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when  intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at  night.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches  for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is  attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head  off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter  Pan.”

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many  bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia  still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and  whites.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy  dog” uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest battle in history was between Zanzibar and  England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being  able to remember the word you want.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United  States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the  letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than  by a poisonous spider.

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other  people in the world.

pre-mr bean Rowan Atkinson

This was shared by a reader (adam54) right at the beginning of this year. It’s republished again, because he’s simply brilliant.

Welcome to Hell

A devil’s welcome.

The Headmaster

A headmaster announcing the death. Of his student.

The Perfect Marriage (5-stars)

Beekeeping (with John Cleese)

An interview gone wrong.

Realism and Responsibility

The perfect Conservative speech.

Gay Christian

His grasp over religious or ethical subjects is quite impressive…

Elementary Courting (witty)

Pink Tights and Shakespeare

Names (slightly offensive)

Rowan Atkinson reads the names of schoolboys.

Thanks once again, adam54 !

clever slogans

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale……. Cheap…………no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight … One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives. (they will look for you..)

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking…
I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses…
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
‘Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.’

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

Sign At A Barber’s Saloon In Detroit:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don’t Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don’t Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother !

life in 2008… predictions from 1996

These are some predictions made in 1996 by the cartoonist Randy Glasbergen.

Much as we prefer to laugh some of these off, some are…well… true. Enjoy!

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Thanks to happee! (you’ve made us really happy!)

the (very) best of engrish

We haven’t posted for weeks, so here’s a killer post:

(thanks to all those who sent the links! you were amazing.)

Written Oath in a hotel

Women Kingdom – The men don’t get it!

Please don’t feed the fishes with your… WHAT?!

Okay. If you insist, I won’t wash.

Fashion (or not)

Get down, toilet!

Those supplies. See them? Yes, those.

Yum yummmm!

But I love my child!

I should say!

No wonder it’s so sticky.

I am not interesting, do I qualify?

Human rights and signboards.

Screw Taiwan! (in a very literal sense)

I can’t wait!

Well, we don’t have too many of those around nowadays, do we?

Stating the obvious.

What’s next? Loin Queen?

Have you tried the blue paint?

Carrot juice is murder.

No they don’t!

It’s a little early, but then again….

Alert: Well-endowed Butcher!

To solve your problems, follow the arrow.

Wait… I’m confused.

No humans allowed. You heard them.

The mixing of gender roles.

Welcome, Zeus.

D r uenke n wa lki n g

I’ll help myself, thank you very much.

No no touch!

I’ll screw on then.

Do not large.

I prefer my poodle non-minced and non-fried.

Chicken Little 2 (Chinese version)

See the red spot? Bump head there!

Be careful the safe.

Not… so round!

the US presidential elections

Some noteworthy cartoons, from the Cagle’s Professional Cartoon Index, and inspired by other generous contributors.

Before it started:

On Hillary vs. Obama:

On Hillary’s promise of staying up at 3am at the White House:

“It’s 3am. Who do you want answering the phone?”

On Hillary’s tears:

On an untouchable unresolved issue:

On voting wisely:

Enjoy!

Adapted from http://cagle.com/2008/.

economics 101 (and 2 cows)

Professor Alexendar from Irish University of Roman studies came up with the “Economics theory of Two Cows“.

We start with two cows.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, so you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM / WALL-STREET JOURNALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire rich on the income.

MALAYSIAN BUMIPUTRAISM: You have two cows, the State takes one and gives it to your bumiputra neighbour. From the milk you sell from the
remaining cow you buy a bull and mulitply your herd. The State take 30 per cent of your herd as it grows and give them to your bumiputra neigbour.
Your bumiputra neighbour has a kenduri each time they receive a cow.

UMNOPUTRAISM : The State takes 30 per cent of your herd and parks them in Switzerland in the name of some UMNO official or close relatives, friends and sons-in-law.  (UMNO)

MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT LINKED OR BUMIPUTRA CORPORATION : You have two cows. You employ mainly bumiputras to milk them. But both cows have been sent to the kenduri, so the State gives you more cows and write off the losses of the first two. After several kenduris later, you invite an American or German Corporation to turnaround the losses. The Japanese have however already taken their two original cows back home to Japan .

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows because you’re sobering up and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINA CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

IRISH CORPORATION: You have two cows…or is it three? What matters? Aren’t you well off to have even one?

OBAMANOMICS: You have two cows, he takes one (because it is fair) he borrows another $1.8 trillion dollars, gives three cows to the UAW, claims he has saved 600,000 cows and gives a great speech. (thanks bb!)

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Thanks, carl89 !

The cute cow is courtesy of peanutgallery.com.au. Their toys are cute. Really cute.