Grandma-Proof Laptop

The wonders of technology…

From a Lenovo ad.

my take on ageing

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.a
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime And it doesn’t end there.

Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I Was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

by George Carlin

Good bye, Mom…

 I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around.Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on.

Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.

“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” I said to her, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mom?’ It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, “Good Bye, Mom!”

As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $1027.50.

“How can that be?” I asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the cashier.

——-

Editor’s Note: Thanks to Linda Wilson for this joke.

old juniors

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a

highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she

hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about

to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don’t

eat the peanuts themselves. “We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth”,

she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

It pays to be careful around old people.

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of

years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted

for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the

Doctor said: “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really

pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just

sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times.

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after

eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two

Gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new

restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the

name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one

that’s red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the

kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly

gentleman-already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase

at his feet–who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him

to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
 

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench

under a tree when one turns to the other and says . . .

“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.

I know you’ re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a new-born baby.”

“Really!? Like a new-born baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

——-

Editor’s Note: Thanks to gohas for sending this joke to us.