Sign language

Sign over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blow-out.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Let us pick your nose.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At the entrance to a sperm bank: “The customer always comes first”

At the exit of the same bank: “Thank you for coming, please come again.”

classroom jokes

This is a compilation of classroom tidbits from 23 amazing people: garl_132, icelemon, kathrynnnn, splot22, bubbleland, tom111, 321daryl, panther_attack, roxxannee, charles754, meanmode, boohoo333, cacklingwitch, cogito090, purplepinkcloud, sammie78, qwertytrewq, veveme2, df_wenij, blargggh, ohnotoolate, randycandy, xxDolkxx and kathrina1107.

(P.S. If you’d like to be featured like that, forward your jokes to hairlarious@gmail.com.)

______

To protect the identify of the speakers, the names have been changed to alphabets .

Kathryn: Jolie’s the class chair!

Melody: Then who’s the class table?

-

Tom: You know there’s a smurf that’s gay? He has a flower here -

Dick: Yea and he paints!

-

Angeline: After harvesting the rice, it becomes dry.

Mary: But there’s porridge!

-

Mrs Lee (teaching us algebra): Use the stripping method. If you don’t like Mrs Lee’s stripping method-

(whole class laughs)

Carol: I’ll rather not know.

-

Rebecca: Pamela, you look like Johnny Depp.

Pamela: But Johnny Depp is ugly!

Rebecca: Precisely.

-

Miss Dorothy: Today I tried very hard to be nice. I almost died.

-

Miss Dorothy: Some of you even wrote “teached” instead of “taught”.

Deborah: What’s wrong with “teached”?

-

Miss Lee: What’s the answer for question 1?

Class: Shifting cultivation.

Miss Lee: Question 2?

Class: Subsistence wet rice cultivation.

Miss Lee: 3?

Class: Commercial plantation agriculture.

Miss Lee: 4?

Class: High-tech farming.

Miss Lee: Wah… you all are really great… you mean all of you got it correct?

Class: You ran through it yesterday.

-

Mdm Bingham (after entering the class for the second time while class were mass changing): I have what you have. Mine better.

*this happened in an all-girls’ school.

-

Betty: Life is unfair. Get used to it.

Miss Lee: What?

-

Jennifer (without her belt, holding up her pinafore at the stomach area): Hey, look, I’m pregnant.

Laura: Boy or girl?

-

Miss Angelica: So we kicked his ball. Then we all wanted to play with it so he was running after his ball so that we could do it together.

-

Miss Lee: Okay, so after you did it, how do you derive pleasure from it? (P.S. this happened during English lesson, not Bio)

Class (laughs)

Miss Lee: Oh by the way “derive pleasure” isn’t a nice word either.

Joyce: Miss Lee, we didn’t think of it until you told us.

-

Miss Heather: Who do they use to harvest the tea?

Janet: Maids.

-

Miss Lee: We have to wait for Cailyn to come back (from the toilet) because that girl is silly.

-

Miss Lee: I watch my prefects doing it very openly.

-

Mrs Julie: I was walking down a slope when suddenly a camel came up and kissed me. Well, the camel must have liked me a lot.

-

Ms Lee: Later I will have to change Irene and Wendy’s place. They are distracting me. They seem very good and self-disciplined, but together they are deadly.

-

Lori: Actually I understand but I also kind of don’t understand.

-
TEACHER: Stop making ugly faces at your classmates.
STUDENT: WHY?
TEACHER: I’ve been told that if you keep on making ugly faces your face will stay like that.
STUDENT: I could tell you didn’t listen.

-

And the best…

陈老师：可以帮我拉下来吗？

(English – Mrs Edna: Can you help me pull it down?)

(She was referring to the SCREEN. What were you thinking?)

the hospital vote

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,

the Allergists voted to scratch it and the

Dermatologists advised against rash moves.

The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the

Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the

Pathologists yelled, ‘Over my dead body’, while the Paediatricians
said, ‘Grow up!’

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing

and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow;

and the Plastic Surgeons said, ‘This puts a whole new face on the matter.’

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and

the Cardiologist didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some butt hole in Administration.

our amazing office

Why I’m Tired

I have found out the real reason why I’m tired, because I’m overworked! The population of this country is 237 million: 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the armed forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the city and state government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 people in hospitals so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now there are 11,998 people in prison. That leaves 2 people to do the work, You and Me…

Surgeon’s Word
Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: “Oops!”

Picabo
The famous female Olympic skier Picabo Street (Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo,ICU.”