Archive for the ‘lame jokes’ Category

George Bush quotes (yet again)

18 September 2009

It is fitting, after almost a year of Obama, that we review our roots.

George-Bush

=========================

“I think we can agree. The past is over.”

“I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made.”

“It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then.” (A slip on exhillerating)

“It’s clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it.”

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”

“Will highways on the internet become more few?”

“Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.”

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don’t realize just how bright our children is.”

“I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California.”

“I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 — for dyslexics who have an emergency.”

“There ought to be limits to freedom.” Said about parody websites of him.

“I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

“I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future.”

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it.”

“We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur.”

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

“We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe.”

“Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame.”

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

“It isn’t pollution that’s ruining the environment; it’s all the impurities in the air and water that’s doing it.”

“It’s time the human race entered the solar system.”

=========================

absolutely mindless facts

31 May 2009

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before  it starves to death.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one  olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every  day.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until  the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an  hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

China has more English speakers than the United  States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he  doesn’t wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are  registered blood donors.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be  39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the  length of a normal human’s neck.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough  gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually  turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would  have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their  bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than  all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with  month.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do  death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because  cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as  competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or  older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose  and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer  than left-handed people do.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left  hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when  intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at  night.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches  for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is  attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head  off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter  Pan.”

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many  bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia  still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and  whites.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy  dog” uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest battle in history was between Zanzibar and  England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being  able to remember the word you want.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United  States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the  letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than  by a poisonous spider.

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other  people in the world.

the colonoscopy

6 March 2009

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain,
“Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood ,
“because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach ,
“because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the legs,
“because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge,” said the eyes,
“Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum,
“Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days,

the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral?

The asshole is usually the one really in charge!

——

Editor’s Note: Thanks to peilin!

Oh Exxon! (Oh Mandy, Barry Manilow)

4 August 2008

Oh Exxon!!

Well sung, although this could prove to be rather offensive.

Lyrics (might be wrong)

How my heart begins to thump
Every time I’m at the pump
You talk in circles, but one this is certain:
You’re getting fat, while America’s hurtin’

I look at what your chariamn makes
But you don’t think he’s overpaid
When you’re at the profits, with 36 billion,
So when he retired, you gave him 400 million./

Oh Exxon!
You’ve been raping the public through TV
‘cos you have what they need
Oh Exxon,
So you paid your execs so obscenely
You’re the portrait of greed, oh Exxon!

I’ve seen you on CNN
I’ve never such oily men
Double-talked the world, and think it suffices
Make phony excuses, for these rocket prices
You know the truth you can’t sell
the same reason my dog licks himself
You say you set prices on supply and demand
But let’s just be honest
You do just cos’ you can

Oh Exxon!
When you merged you became ExxonMobil
And you doubled the way
Oh Exxon,
You contribute to warming that’s global
Glaciers melting away, oh Exxon!

The market once made sense
But one thing’s off it
Since your secret meetings
It did chains off it

Oh Exxon!
You just take, and you take, and keep taking,
and your concern is a scam
Oh Exxon!
It’s so clear from the profits you’re making
That you don’t give a damn
Oh Exxon!
Getting rich on the back of this nation
And double Bill’s war
keep on screwing the next generation
I say,
Screw You!

the celine dion workout

2 July 2008

I am a huge fan of Celine Dion – I have to admit.

Here’s the Celine Dion Workout. Excellent, isn’t it?

random pic(k)s from the post

9 June 2008

Satisfaction Guaranteed…

A Man and a Deck of Cards

Disneyland visitor, heal thyself!

Unfortunate Bus Ad

Another Poor Logo Choice

Our inevitable evolution

Bad Dog

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”

“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her blouse. “Look what he did to my breasts!”

——

Thanks to: squabbblyduck, fyojj, and gonewiththeclouds for these cartoons.

Thanks to lol.com for the bad dog joke. :)

the (very) best of engrish

9 May 2008

We haven’t posted for weeks, so here’s a killer post:

(thanks to all those who sent the links! you were amazing.)

cows with guns!

21 April 2008

Here’s a follow up from my recent obsession about cows:

You’ll enjoy it!

Moooo! :D

rowan atkinson (mr bean)

13 January 2008

Some music for starters…

Some mis-nomers (namers)

No One Called Jones

=== “LIVE” series ===

“A Warm Welcome”

“Fatal Beatings” (excellent!)

3 Talkers in Marriage (5-stars)

“A Final Bash”

Classic Stand-up Comedy (ingenious)

Beekeeping

Realism and Responsibility (good twists –> “I love curry.”)

Invisible Man

Gay Christian

Elementary Courting (witty)

Pink Tights

== WINNER ==

Welcome to Hell (jabberjabber)

_______

Thanks, adam54! :D

classroom jokes

13 October 2007

This is a compilation of classroom tidbits from 23 amazing people: garl_132, icelemon, kathrynnnn, splot22, bubbleland, tom111, 321daryl, panther_attack, roxxannee, charles754, meanmode, boohoo333, cacklingwitch, cogito090, purplepinkcloud, sammie78, qwertytrewq, veveme2, df_wenij, blargggh, ohnotoolate, randycandy, xxDolkxx and kathrina1107.

(P.S. If you’d like to be featured like that, forward your jokes to hairlarious@gmail.com.)

______

To protect the identify of the speakers, the names have been changed to alphabets :) .

Kathryn: Jolie’s the class chair!

Melody: Then who’s the class table?

-

Tom: You know there’s a smurf that’s gay? He has a flower here -

Dick: Yea and he paints!

-

Angeline: After harvesting the rice, it becomes dry.

Mary: But there’s porridge!

-

Mrs Lee (teaching us algebra): Use the stripping method. If you don’t like Mrs Lee’s stripping method-

(whole class laughs)

Carol: I’ll rather not know.

-

Rebecca: Pamela, you look like Johnny Depp.

Pamela: But Johnny Depp is ugly!

Rebecca: Precisely.

-

Miss Dorothy: Today I tried very hard to be nice. I almost died.

-

Miss Dorothy: Some of you even wrote “teached” instead of “taught”.

Deborah: What’s wrong with “teached”?

-

Miss Lee: What’s the answer for question 1?

Class: Shifting cultivation.

Miss Lee: Question 2?

Class: Subsistence wet rice cultivation.

Miss Lee: 3?

Class: Commercial plantation agriculture.

Miss Lee: 4?

Class: High-tech farming.

Miss Lee: Wah… you all are really great… you mean all of you got it correct?

Class: You ran through it yesterday.

-

Mdm Bingham (after entering the class for the second time while class were mass changing): I have what you have. Mine better.

*this happened in an all-girls’ school.

-

Betty: Life is unfair. Get used to it.

Miss Lee: What?

-

Jennifer (without her belt, holding up her pinafore at the stomach area): Hey, look, I’m pregnant.

Laura: Boy or girl?

-

Miss Angelica: So we kicked his ball. Then we all wanted to play with it so he was running after his ball so that we could do it together.

-

Miss Lee: Okay, so after you did it, how do you derive pleasure from it? (P.S. this happened during English lesson, not Bio)

Class (laughs)

Miss Lee: Oh by the way “derive pleasure” isn’t a nice word either.

Joyce: Miss Lee, we didn’t think of it until you told us.

-

Miss Heather: Who do they use to harvest the tea?

Janet: Maids.

-

Miss Lee: We have to wait for Cailyn to come back (from the toilet) because that girl is silly.

-

Miss Lee: I watch my prefects doing it very openly.

-

Mrs Julie: I was walking down a slope when suddenly a camel came up and kissed me. Well, the camel must have liked me a lot.

-

Ms Lee: Later I will have to change Irene and Wendy’s place. They are distracting me. They seem very good and self-disciplined, but together they are deadly.

-

Lori: Actually I understand but I also kind of don’t understand.

-
TEACHER: Stop making ugly faces at your classmates.
STUDENT: WHY?
TEACHER: I’ve been told that if you keep on making ugly faces your face will stay like that.
STUDENT: I could tell you didn’t listen.

-

And the best…

陈老师:可以帮我拉下来吗?

(English – Mrs Edna: Can you help me pull it down?)

(She was referring to the SCREEN. What were you thinking?)


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