Dubai’s Debt Crisis

From Peter Brookes from the Times. And as a little treat, we’ve included a few ways to describe the heat in Dubai.

Going around Dubai

1. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
2. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
3. You discover that during June – September, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
4. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. Even at maximum legal tinting.
5. You can say 113 degrees without fainting.
6. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Surviving Dubai

1. The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
2. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
3. You no longer associate bridges with water.
4. It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
5. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

In a hotel

1. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You have hot water and hotter water.
2. You don’t mind if your colleague throws cold water on your proposal to go
3. You notice the best parking
4. If the swimming pool doesn’t have a cooler, you don’t want to get in it.
5. Your parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

George Bush quotes (yet again)

It is fitting, after almost a year of Obama, that we review our roots.

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“I think we can agree. The past is over.”

“I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made.”

“It was just inebreating what the Midlands was all about then.” (A slip on exhillerating)

“It’s clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it.”

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”

“Will highways on the internet become more few?”

“Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.”

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? Laura and I really don’t realize just how bright our children is.”

“I was raised in the West. The West of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. More so than Washington, D.C. is close to California.”

“I propose that every city have a telephone number 119 — for dyslexics who have an emergency.”

“There ought to be limits to freedom.” Said about parody websites of him.

“I believe that we are on an irreversible trend toward democracy and more freedom- but that could change.”

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”

“I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future.”

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about, in terms of not having it.”

“We are ready for any unseen event that may or may not occur.”

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”

“We have a firm committment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm committment to Europe; we are a part of Europe.”

“Who is to blame for riots? The rioters are to blame.”

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

“It isn’t pollution that’s ruining the environment; it’s all the impurities in the air and water that’s doing it.”

“It’s time the human race entered the solar system.”

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Sign language

Sign over a gynaecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blow-out.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Let us pick your nose.”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry.
Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At the entrance to a sperm bank: “The customer always comes first”

At the exit of the same bank: “Thank you for coming, please come again.”

the japanese and their inventions

Some ideas by the Japanese

Roll-on butter, anyone?

MBA (Marriage but available) is so passe...

I'm a fan of instant noodles.

Dry heels.

And just when we thought child labour was bad enough...

Keep absolutely dry.

It's only a socially-dysfunctional device.

Sleep standing. (I need this.)

Sleep sitting! (I want this as well.)

Verdict: Worth every consideration

funneh cartoons!

Absolutely hairlarious pics! Thanks, fishiex!

Swear words.

Make your baby earn their keep!

Awww....

Distracted

Written by a girl on a Quantas flight. Kids these days...

Playboy for the Blind

Why Microsoft shouldn’t make cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95′ or ‘CarNT.’ Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that’s powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car fault’ warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ‘Start’ button to shut off the engine.

——————–

Note: this isn’t true! It’s funny though. Thanks Edna!

absolutely mindless facts

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before  it starves to death.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one  olive from each salad served in first-class.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every  day.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until  the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an  hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

China has more English speakers than the United  States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he  doesn’t wear pants.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are  registered blood donors.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be  39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the  length of a normal human’s neck.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough  gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually  turn white.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would  have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their  bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than  all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with  month.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do  death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because  cotton growers in the ’30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as  competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or  older.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose  and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer  than left-handed people do.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left  hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when  intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at  night.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches  for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is  attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head  off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter  Pan.”

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many  bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia  still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and  whites.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy  dog” uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest battle in history was between Zanzibar and  England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being  able to remember the word you want.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United  States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the  letters on only one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than  by a poisonous spider.

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other  people in the world.

menstruation

Menstruation looks almost adorable:

optical illusions

Editor’s note: A treat from sandy71!

People or faces?

Puzzling jigsaw!

Human fountain.

One deer, or two?

One person, or four?

A face, or a word? (Hint: liar)

Do you see a bunch of black splotches? Or perhaps, a word?

There are 11 faces. Can you spot all of them?

The branches form something… What is it?

100 ways to order a pizza

Tomorrow’s April FOOL!!! Here’s a wonderful set I found in my inbox this morning:

________________________________

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”

15. Stutter on the letter “p.”

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! You hear me? Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked “Would you like drinks with that?”, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”

26. Start your order with “I’d like. . . “. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.

32. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”

33. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”

71. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”

84. When you’ve given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say “Will that be all?”, snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,…

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”